


The New Weapons

by Venus



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Genre: Crack, Humor, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-11-24
Updated: 1998-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-19 07:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venus/pseuds/Venus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the hands of a ninja anything can be a deadly weapon, but the Turtles question Splinter's sanity when he gives them 'Ultimate Ninja Weapons.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The New Weapons

"A-hem!"

Donatello jumped about a foot and turned from his computer screen to find Master Splinter standing at his elbow.

"Master Splinter!"

"Donatello, where is your bo?"

"Right here, Master," Donatello replied.

Splinter took it from him and began to examine it very closely. He sniffed it, whiskers twitching. Then he gnawed at it a little.

"Uhhh..." Don regarded his Master's odd behavior. "Is there something wrong with it?"

"No, no, it should do nicely," Splinter replied and raised the staff above his head then plunged it down the back of his kimono, using the end to scratch. "Oooh, that damn spot's been itchy all day and I just couldn't reach it!" He scratched a little more, then heaved a sigh of relief.

Donatello blinked.

"Tell me, my son. Do you have any _more_ bos?" Splinter asked, leaning forward.

"Of course, Master Splinter. They're in my room..."

"Ahhhh," replied the rat. "Ahhhhh," he said again. "Then I shall need those as well!" He turned and scurried off toward Don's room.

Don stared after him, wide eyed. Could this be the early stages of Alzheimer's or something? But, he supposed, aging Ninja Masters were entitled to their eccentric quirks now and again. He shrugged and returned to his computer.

 

"Sai inspector!"

Raph jumped. "Huh?!"

"Sai inspector!"

Master Splinter stood behind the couch. A small badge clipped on the front of his kimono said "SAI INSPECTOR" in neat letters. He held out his hands.

"Oh, um, my sais..." Raphael looked around for them. He dug one out from under a pile of empty pudding cups and sheepishly wiped some vanilla pudding from the tip. Damned foil lids, so hard to open... he made short work of them with his sai, though! He placed it in Splinter's waiting hands.

"Hmmm," went the Ninja Master.

Raph dug around for the second one. It had to be there somewhere. Finally he found it. It had slid between the couch cushions. "There you go, Master..."

Splinter nodded courteously and left the room with both sais. Raphael just shook his head and turned back to the TV.

 

"Ok, here's how it works, Master. You push this button to draw your guns... see?" Michaelangelo demonstrated. "Then watch Lara. If she sees any bad guys, she'll automatically aim at them. Then you just hold down this button..." Mike pressed the button and the sound of gunshots erupted from the TV, "and she'll keep shooting till it's dead or out of range!"

"Ahh... fascinating technique..." Splinter remarked, tugging at his goatee.

"So, want to try?" Mike asked with a grin, holding out the controller.

Splinter gingerly accepted it. He navigated through a cave and then successfully killed two bats and a wolf.

"You're doing great! Careful, this part's tricky. There's some hard jumps here..."

"By all means," Splinter said, handing back the controller.

Mike began playing intently. In fact, Splinter noticed momentarily, Mike soon seemed to have lost all touch with reality. Splinter picked up Mike's nunchucks and left quietly. Mike never noticed.

 

Don emerged from his den a few hours later, yawning. He looked at Raphael - sprawled motionless on the couch, eyes glued on the TV - then looked at the clutter around him.

"Raaaaaph?"

"Whaaaaaat?"

"Did you eat all the pudding?" Don clenched his fists.

Raph smirked. "Maaaaaaybe."

"Raph! Didn't you think that somebody else might want some of it?"

"Hmm... nope!"

"You've gone TOO FAR this time!"

"DEAL WITH IT!"

Suddenly Mike ran into the room. "RAPH! LEO! Come on guys, don't fight!" He yelled.

Both Raphael and Donatello looked at him in surprise, then laughed.

Mike blinked. "Oh, heh, it's not Leo... Sorry, pure reflex. But don't tell me that you two are going to start squabbling all the time now..."

"Only when Raph is a narcissistic jerk who doesn't save me any pudding!"

"A what?!

Just then, from another part of the lair, they heard screams. Instinctively they reached for their weapons, which were gone. Cursing, they ran toward the practice room. Leonardo!

"No, No, NOOOOOO!"

They expected something horrible, like maybe aliens were trying to abduct Leo. Or maybe a slime monster had oozed its way into the lair and was using its digestive juices to dissolve Leo's soft tissue. Or maybe Leo was just reading a 'Teenage Girl Befriends the Turtles and Goes Along on All Their Adventures and Becomes One of Their Girlfriends' fanfic.

But no, all they found were a hysterical Leonardo and a very calm Splinter, wrestling over Leo's katanas.

"Oh for heavens' sake stop being such a baby and give me your katanas!" Splinter said, trying to pry Leo's fingers off of the hilts.

"NOOOO! NEVER!"

Splinter rolled his eyes. "Leonardo, as your master I command you to!"

Leonardo sniffled miserably and looked up. "But-but Master..."

"There's a good boy. Give daddy the nice swords!"

"Ummm..." Mike spoke up from the doorway. "What's going on?"

"Master Splinter's _mean_!"

Splinter yanked the katanas away. Leonardo sat on the floor and hugged his knees, rocking back and forth.

"Sheesh! You all had your security items as children. Mike had his teddy bear, and Raph had his blankie, and Don had that cute little doll, you know the one, the one that really drinks and wets!"

All three of them turned red. Don took a few steps backwards.

"But Leo, all he ever wanted were his katanas! Two years old, three years old! I'd put him down for a nap and he'd _wail_ if he couldn't have them in the crib with him! He'd wrap his arms around them and suck his thumb until he fell asleep. I was scared to death he was going to cut himself, but he never did. Now, I realize that this devotion to his weapons from such an early age was the mark of a true ninja..."

Leo smiled.

"But it's time to give them up, Leo!"

"NOOOOO!"

Raph stepped forward. "Master, what is going on?!"

Splinter smiled. "Ok, ok, I wasn't going to tell you like this. I wanted it to be perfect, but, well, I guess it's time now. You are all getting new weapons!"

"HUH?!"

"You've graduated from these silly things!" Splinter said, beaming. "It's time for you four to begin your training with the _ultimate_ ninja weapons!"

The Turtles weren't sure what to think about this. It _sounded_ like something good... sort of. But they didn't want to give up their familiar weapons.

"Here you are, my sons." Splinter pulled four packages out of his kimono. They were small, wrapped in silk and tied with a tassel. He handed one to each of them, very gravely. "These are your new weapons. You must learn the Way on your own - no, not even I can teach it to you. You must become masters of this elegant weapon on your own." He wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh, I am so proud of your four! This is so exciting... well, I'm going to my room to meditate now. Don't disturb me. You better start training with these right away."

Splinter left, humming softly to himself.

The four Turtles, shocked into silence, stared at each other. Then they stared at the silk bundles. Finally curiosity got the best of Don. He carefully began to unwrap his. The other four watched closely, holding their breaths. What could this new ultimate weapon be?! Slowly, slowly, Don opened it, catching a glimpse of a pearly white item inside.

"A SPORK?!"

Don held it up in disbelief. The other three ripped off the wrappings and found three identical sporks.

"I-its something you eat with... right?" Raph asked, stunned. He had never been to Taco Bell.

"I think so..." Leo replied hesitantly.

"This has to be a joke..." Mike said, his head swimming.

Don looked distressed. "Oh no... Master Splinter's losing his mind... it's worse... far worse than I imagined... this is terrible..."

Mike and Raph slowly and sadly nodded. But Leo objected.

"NO! We can't question the Master! We must follow his orders!" he said vehemently, ignoring the fact that he'd just been whining and crying and fighting with Splinter. "I hereby vow to follow Splinter's advice no matter what! Forever! Are you with me!" He raised his spork high. Its triple prongs gleamed in the soft light.

"Um yeah," "Sure," "I guess," the others mumbled and raised their sporks as well.

"Maybe... maybe this is a test," Raphael said. "Maybe Leo's right and we should go along with this."

"I guess it's possible," Don replied, thoughtfully. "He's seeing if we'll still follow him even if his orders don't seem logical at all. Well, that's what we were always trained to do, wasn't it?! And some of his orders have been pretty far out there... this one is just more so. He must be doing it to see how we'll react," Don said. He felt better with that theory anyway. It was better than believing that Splinter's mind was deteriorating.

"Right. And a true ninja can make any item into a weapon," Leonardo reminded them. "So it's time for us to learn the Way of the Spork, brothers."

 

The four assembled in the kitchen, ready to unravel the mysteries of the spork. Donatello sat at the table with his t-square, mechanical pencil and compass and began to draw an elaborate diagram of the spork.

"Good idea, Donnie," Leo commented. He was experimenting with different grips on the spork's handle and various slow motion stabbing and slashing movements.

"It's sorta like a sai," Raph mused, examining his spork from all angles. "You could use the prongs to stab... but this thing is so flimsy, it'd just break!" he grumbled, flexing the spork between his fingers to get an idea of its flexibility and sturdiness.

Mike was watching Don draw. "Hey, I think we should experiment and see what this spork is strong enough to stab."

"Good thinking, Mike. I appoint you Official Spork Stabbing Experimenter." Leo proclaimed.

"Kickass!" Mike said, and went to the refrigerator.

Donatello finished his tedious mapping of the components of the front side of the spork and neatly labeled them: handle, spoon part, fork part. Then he turned the spork over and started diagraming the back of it on a new sheet of paper.

"I think you could use it to cut, too," Leo said after a while, "by slashing with the prongs level with the stroke of your swing."

"Yeah, that might successfully give your enemy a tiny scratch and succeed in breaking your spork. Sure Leo," Raphael scoffed.

"Hey Don, make a note of this!" Mike called from the fridge.

"Yeah?"

"Sporks are good for stabbing potato salad. Scooping it too. I tested it several times so I'm sure it works." Mike wiped his mouth and put a bowl back into the fridge.

"Great!" Don replied and scribbled something.

"What should I test it on next?"

"How about some pudding?" Don asked, giving Raph a pointed look.

"Hmph."

Just then, four Foot Soldiers barged unexpectedly into the kitchen! How convenient!

The Turtles jumped up.

"Weapons ready, brothers!" Leonardo commanded.

" _What_ weapons!?" Raphael asked crossly. Then he lunged at the nearest Foot with his spork, fulling intending to show Leo just how lame this was. The spork, however, successfully gutted the Foot Soldier and he fell, dead, on the floor. Raph stared wide-eyed at his spork, which was bloody but very much in one piece. "Whoa..."

Leonardo acted on reflex, using his spork's handle to block the Foot's swinging nunchucks. He twisted the spork and wrested the chucks away with ease from the ninja who gaped in surprise. Leo bonked the Foot over the head with the spork's handle, and the ninja crumpled to the floor.

Mike had tackled his ninja and was using the stabbing and scooping technique he'd learned from his studies with the potato salad. The spork dug chunks of flesh from the unlucky Foot, and he collapsed into a puddle of blood.

Donatello, meanwhile, had raked his spork down the Foot's face, leaving long claw marks. He administered the _coup de grâce_ with a long sideways slash that decapitated the Foot.

The four Turtles stood stunned and surprised among the gore of dead ninjas. Each held a bloody, yet perfectly intact spork. After a moment, they cleaned their sporks and carefully tucked them into their belts for future use.

Splinter tiptoed into the kitchen, holding up his tail so it wouldn't drag in the blood.

"I am proud of you my sons. Tonight we shall dine at KFC so that we can get some four-pronged sporks. Your training with those begins tomorrow."

And so the four went to KFC.


End file.
